You can watch this video post on my Facebook page here.
We have a natural tendency to look for what’s wrong, needs to change. We should ask for change. However, if we look for the good overall, it can really shift our relationships.
There is so much that I like to talk about when helping couples. It is often quite complex so I struggle to explain things in a simple manner because there are often many explanations and some very different perspectives. This video is no different. I am rushing to make it bite size so it is not perfect. I hope that it helps just like it has helped men and women in the past.
We are prone to look for the negative, for the things that do not meet our needs. We may feel hurt, corrected, insulted. Consequently, we can develop a negative attitude toward our partner. When that happens, we start to expect negative comments or behaviors.
We don’t always see that what they say or do was intended to be helpful or caring. We may not see that the person is doing the best he or she can.
This is not to excuse those who manipulate or intentionally hurt their partner. Some people have serious issues.
However, in general, we do hurt each others’ feelings. We do let each other down sometimes. When we come to expect this, we find it. Then, it is hard to shift that relationship. Nothing the other party does is good enough. We put down whole-hearted attempts.
How does this help a relationship? It doesn’t. Holding grudges and resentments are not helping. We have a choice of whether we want to hold on to them or not.)
However, if we look for the good, we will start to see it. That can shift a relationship.
Fred Rogers, one of my favorite people, said, “I encourage you to look for the good where you are and embrace it.”
This is the choice. It is a choice that can get us out of that stuck, unhappy relationship.
Women, which I have heard are influenced by the body chemicals like oxytocin or estrogen, have a proneness to notice a lot that is not right or is off. They see details. They want to make a change. Their INTENT can be very positive. I notice they are usually, by the way, much more critical of themselves than a male partner. The problem is that the guy doesn’t think like a woman does so he can feel corrected or put down. Whatever he does may not feel good enough. (Testosterone seems to influence guys to want to accomplish things, feel rewarded for doing so.)
Hint: If a woman can see that he is trying and let him know that, it can make such a difference. The part that does not meet your needs could be talked about later even if he asks if you liked it. Don’t lie. Focus on the good parts. (I notice that many women are very good at complimenting.) His intent is often to make you happy so help him feel good for a little while. Then, help him sharpen his focus later. You deserve to get your needs met.
Hint: Guys, you can realize that her attempt to correct or give a negative appraisal is not meant to put you down. There can be, AT LEAST, a kernel of truth, in that painful information, which can make you a better person, husband, father, partner.
That shifts things a little doesn’t it?
If you want more help with your relationship, if you cannot see the relationship in a positive light, if it seems so dark and hopeless, please reach out to me. We can work on it together!